Since my last few posts have had some time to reflect on many things. My perspective of my life, my rapidly growing family with twins on the way and my life into the future. I have told about my shadows. Things that I have kept to myself for fear of letting others down or in. Fear of letting those who know me see anything other than happiness and a smile. Fear of being a bad example. I have since reaped benefits that didn’t occur to me as possible.
Among them being love, acceptance and friendship. Each have met me where I truly am, as opposed to where I wanted others and myself to believe I was. Raw and exposed truth has opened the door to a more authentic version of myself.
A part of me is embarrassed you know me like you do. Yet as this journey of life twists and turns, I will change along the way. I’d like to back pedal and say I misspoke, but it was all true. My life is different. It is hard. But I couldn’t imagine giving it up. Plus I still have my own wonky sense of humor that I have always had.
I am lucky. I am loved.
I have beautiful, smart, loving, healthy daughters, a loving, funny, a do-it-yourself husband, land, home, and a healthy pregnancy. Have I been experiencing life through tainted eyes? I am realizing I get stuck on the small things. Things that are strived for and “needed”. Things that can come at a soul squelching price at times. The inner comparison mechanism that makes it damn near impossible to live and not think, “I don’t have that, am I raising my kids right?”, “I can’t afford this, am I doing enough for my family?”, “we do things vastly differently, am I providing the right stuff for my family?” The list can be endless. When I make these comparisons to the “norm” it makes me feel inadequate. But here’s what I’ve come to find.
The important stuff for isn’t how much water we have or can we hold? (Full tanks of water now, thanks Dad!!) Or how clean my home and property are. (Thanks Mom for your help while visiting!) Or even weather our refrigerator works (ice chest will do until the cold season hits fyi ;). Having these things when on the grid sounds lovely, but that is not what family is made of. As well as anything else material you can plug in here.
When I look at my kids,
I see happy individuals, inquisitiveness, excitement about playing outside and a willingness to help me and each other out. How can I feel anything but joy? My husband does his best using what we have to build cool things like a wind turbine and an addition to the house so we can have another room for our boys when they come, a solar rig so we have power, and back rubs. I can complain about the mundane and be far too particular. So I am trying to lighten up and be the happy me from deep down. Not in such a trying way. Being pregnant definitely doesn’t help, but I am strong, and I am willing to grow and change. I’d like to think have grown up just a tiny bit more.
Another big change is how much others have reached out to me, befriended me and opened up in a real way; allowing me to see your shadows that I was unaware of. It has helped me more then I thought possible to be ok with me from beneath the surface and feel more accepted then ever. Thank you. Truly and from my core.
I am lucky. I am loved. I am a good person without pretending all the time…and pretending doesn’t make me better. It just makes me less. I will still smile when I am coming undone, but I will also allow myself to express the darker side too.
I am 30 weeks along with identical twin boys. It is really amazing feeling two little ones push and kick. I will need more support then ever with 5 kids on the horizon. Thanks to my husband and all the people who are currently giving or have given to us. Our load to bear is becoming less with a community of love and support. Thank you all for this. It is a new and amazing feeling that makes me speechless and amazed. I didn’t know the possibility was there.
My husband, Jason is arranging an online baby shower for me which should be a fun experience for all involved. It is making the feelings of isolation dissipate more and more. I am crazy grateful for him and all he is doing to create a better future for us everyday. I don’t say it enough, but know that I am truly grateful for all you have done, and do, and brainstorm doing so that our lives can be what we see when we look toward the future. I love and trust you my Love. Also, the coolest thing ever that my husband is throwing me a baby shower, and that it’s online deserves extra cool points.
I am so proud of how far we have come. No easy feat starting an off grid life with littles, especially when I think of having two more babies. But with a more and more genuine attitude of positivity, looking on the bright side, being strong and knowing I am not as alone as I once felt. I can see things that I would like not just for now, but forever. Spending time with my family, loving each other and having more fun then all the crap and hard that comes in life. This is my new endeavor as my family welcomes twin boys in a few more weeks.
Thank you family and friends for all your amazing kindness, love and friendship you have extended to myself and my family.
I am lucky. I am loved.